When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

Sunday evening we were all at Grandma Nettie's for dinner my mom was talking about what it was like bringing home new babies and how the older kids reacted. My mom made the statement that the age gap between my second brother and my third is the same age gap that my two boys will have. So I asked my mom how he reacted to the new baby and my brother chimed in with his memories of his new baby brother coming home. I was shocked that he had any memories that young, let alone memories specifically about going to visit our mom in the hospital and going to see the baby for the first time. All of a sudden it struck me that Weston may be a lot more aware of what is going on than I've been thinking.  

Based off his very blase response when we ask him anything about his baby brother, we assumed it's because he's completely oblivious to what is actually going on. Which still might be the case. But after hearing my brother recount personal memories from age 2 1/2, I now can't help but wonder if/what memories Weston is having. And not just memories about bringing home his baby brother.... but what memories is he going to have of me? Are they going to be good ones? Fun ones? Or will they be of getting in trouble - or me getting upset? 

I've always felt like babies arrive to us unable to remember things because it gave us time, as parents, to figure things out and not have all of our learning mistakes held against us. And then, by the time our little ones start remember things, we have things under control and have mastered being a parent. But here I am - with an almost three year old who is bound to start retaining specific events, and more importantly feelings - and I am not any closer at becoming a parenthood master and often don't feel like I have things under control. 

But then this morning as I'm feeling like I'm failing mommyhood - and Weston is sure to have all sorts of memories of just exactly how I failed - I come across a link to this article:

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When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang my

First painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately

Wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a

Stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind

To animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a

Prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always

Talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make a

Meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I

Learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you take care

Of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have

To take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you

Handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t

Feel good, and I learned that I would have to be

Responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come

From your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things

Hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you

Cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of

life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and

Productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and

Wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when

You thought I wasn’t looking.’

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And then I cry - maybe a lot. And I hope that these are they types of memories I am creating for my little ones. And I am inspired to do better. 

Original article found here.